•Stakeholders decry abusive relationships, say it’s better to speak out
From Scholastica Onyeka, Makurdi
Life, sometimes, has a way of giving you the exact opposite of what you want or wish for. Recently, it has become quite alarming and shocking how fast love in relationships and marriage go sour, with lovers becoming enemies. More women are believed to be at the receiving end.
Mary is currently in a dilemma as she tells a bitter story of what she wished for versus what she got: “No one ever thought that James would, one day, shout at me, let alone lay a hand on me. Whoever thought that the same person who held my hands and went everywhere on campus would turn out the be a near monster. I don’t recognize my husband anymore. This is not the man I fell in love with and married.”
She had just returned from the hospital where she spent a week receiving treatment after she was battered by the husband, for the umpteenth time.
“When I met my husband in our university days, we were the toast of the whole campus. Many people who knew us, especially the girls, wished they had my kind of relationship.
“He was so loving and humble that you could not help but love him. He was very intelligent and behaved in a manner such that all my siblings and parents also fell for him.
“So, when he proposed, it didn’t take any stress and my parents agreed to have us married. I told myself he was the man I wished for, my dream man.
“A few years into the marriage, he changed and would snap at me at every little provocation. It became so bad that, in the heat of some arguments, when he asks a question, before I open my mouth to answer, I would receive a heavy slap on my face,” she said.
Mary has spent six years in the marriage but, according to her, the beautiful home she dreamt about soon slipped into a nightmare. She, however, refuses to talk to anyone because she doesn’t want to exposed her marriage to ridicule. She said a greater part of the six years has been hell.
“We have been together for six years and I have lost count of the number of times I have been beaten. This is not what I bargained for. I can’t explain why someone would suddenly change from being a lover to a fighter,” she said.
When she was discharged from the hospital the last time, Mary, who noted that her neighbours were tired of settling their fight, said her dilemma was she did not know what to do.
Speaking on the effects of gender-based violence (GBV), leader of the Benue Non-Governmental Organizations Network (BENGONET), Mr. Lazarus Mom, advised women to quit abusive relationships for the sake of their lives and mental health. He gave this advice in Makurdi, the capital of the state, after a woman was beaten to a pulp by her husband recently.
It was said that the woman and her children were being battered always. And on many occasions, it took the intervention of neighbours to rescue her and the children from the serial abuse.
Mom said: “He has been subjecting the wife and children to domestic violence for years. Besides the injuries she sustains from the beatings, there is evidence that he had used a machete to inflict injury on the wife in the past.”
Mom said remaining in an abusive relationship would affect a woman’s wellbeing, especially mental health. He said his organization was carrying out advocacy and sensitization on what victims could do in such situations.
According to him, “A victim can press charges against the man. Battery and all forms of gender-based violence are against the law. She has the option of reporting to the police. She also has an option of staying away from the home until the problem is sorted out and she is able to take a decision.
“If you are in a relationship that is filled with battery or violence, you walk out of it because your life comes first. Your mental health comes first.
“You may decide to stay put but you are battling with mental issues every day: depression, anger, feelings bottled inside, you can’t express yourself. You think you are doing fine, you think you are staying strong, you say I’m staying because of the children. I want to save my marriage, but at the end of the day, you are suffering inside.
“So, we advise such people to walk out of it. You can’t be doing well in such an environment. But sometimes cheap blackmail and sentiments come to play before long-time victims give up.”
He urged friends and family members to stop blackmailing such victims with traditions and sentiments or encouraging victims to continue to stay in abusive relationships.
He said women in such marriages should speak out as in most cases, if pursued to a logical conclusion, the victims will have justice, live happy and have enjoyable lives.
Speaking on the condition that he would not be named, a counsellor at a church’s counselling unit in Makurdi said cases of GBV in marriage were becoming alarming as women come often with complaints, some seeking dissolution or separation from their husbands. He decried a situation where the woman is the only one working to make the marriage work.
He said: “Marriage is a convenant of equal partnership, two partners of equal status. You don’t make one partner subservient, especially the woman. She keeps bending backward to ensure that things work, yet she is the one that gets beaten. It shouldn’t be like that.
“The moment you have one experience, talk about it. Don’t think you are disturbing your mother, your father, your sponsor or your priest/pastor. Let them know the problem that you have so they can help you.”
He stated that some people were in the habit of abusing their wives and apologizing over and over again and never stops. “Some people are good at telling you, I’m sorry. Second time, I’m sorry. The fourth time, I swear, it will never happen again, and it is happening serially and the woman is dying.
“Sometimes, it is violence. At other times, they are threatened: if you tell anybody, you are dead. The best thing to do is to discuss it. You will not die.”
He urged the Benue State government to create awareness on legislations prohibiting violence against women, and ensure they are implemented to the letter to deter people and curtail gender violence cases in the state.
He called on government to pronounce punishment for men who strike their wives and women who strike their husbands, saying if that is done and people are punished, others would be restrained.
The executive director of Elohim Development Foundation (EDF), Mrs. Victoria Daaor, who also acknowledged the increase in the number of reported cases of GBV, attributed the trend to the various challenges and pressures Nigerians, particularly those in Benue, are going through.
According to her, Benue is a civil service state and people are not being paid regular salaries, for a long while. She said: “That puts pressures on a lot of families. In a home where husband and wife are civil servants, and no money is coming in and they have families to cater for, they feel pressured, especially when they don’t sit to discuss it.
“Financial problems is one of the toughest pressure for families. A lot of people don’t have coping skills. So, families must sit and sort out their coping skills, instead of solving issues independent of one another and clashing at the end of the day.
“The man who cannot talk might end up using his fist to express his pressure and a woman who talks more might use the wrong language to provoke her partner.”
Daaor, however, stated that there was no excuse for battering a woman, as it is against the law.
“People don’t know there is a Violence Against Persons Prohibition (VAPP) Law that says you should not inflict any form of injury, whether physical, emotional or verbal, on people.”
She regretted that the cases might keep reccurring as long as people do not develop the attitude of talking out their problems. She also advised that, rather than keep mute and suffer in silence, people, especially women, should speak out once they feel overwhelmed by issues around them.
“Sometimes, all people need is a support group of good friends and family. There is something we call the ‘talk therapy’. You may not need a professional but someone to relieve you of the tension.
“But people are cutting down on intimate relationships; they no longer trust people to talk. They are rather copying social media emergency counsellors and advisers who tell them they can make it on their own,” she said.
She urged society to go back to the drawing board and begin to encourage better family ties, just as she urged couples to talk to their parents, spiritual guardians or sponsors and close friends, especially when it gets to the point of physical violence, because many lives have been lost in the process.
While noting that Benue State had the VAPP law passed since 2019, the penal code and the criminal justice laws, Daaor urged government to create more awareness and ensure strict implementation of the laws to enable victims access help and get justice.
She further said: “To the public, mental health is as serious as physical health. A lot of people going about have a lot of challenges. Let’s be kinder to people. And when we ask people how they are, let us ask because we want to know.
“Let us check up on family and friends more as much as possible. Let us not assume people are being proud and don’t want to talk to us about their issues.
“And if you need to talk, there is always someone to talk to. Talk to counsellors to help you reorganize your thoughts and see things in a better perspective.
“We must also learn to relax as a society; taking long walks, listening to music, among others, can help ease tension, and the home and society at large will be better for it.”
