It’s time to redefine a man

Early last year, just before the 2023 general elections, a video went viral on social media amid the hardship caused by the cash crunch. It showed a middle-aged man who initially struggled with English but quickly switched to Yoruba, angrily shouting, “Pressure ti wa” (there is pressure) during a live interview. This video generated various reactions among internet users.

Since then, “Pressure ti wa” has become a famous Nigerian slang acknowledging the daily struggles, challenges and hardships. Pressure is a force that pushes us beyond acceptable limits, leading to stress, anxiety, or a sense of burden. People face pressure in relationships, work, society, and personal goals, impacting their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Everyone strives for excellence and greatness but this drive often takes a different form for men. Men are constantly pressured to perform, conform, and achieve. From sexual prowess to social status, physical strength to family provision, the need to perform weighs heavily on the male gender in most societies.

Men are often expected to be the primary breadwinners, providers and protectors. If not well managed, the responsibility leads to stress, burnout, and a sense of inadequacy. The need to perform as a good father, husband, and son creates a sense of duty over desire, sometimes suffocating personal aspirations and passions.

The cult of masculinity idolises physical strength, speed and agility. Men feel pressured to maintain a certain physique, pushing themselves to extreme limits in the gym and on the playing field, pursuing physical perfection that results in injuries, burnout, and an unhealthy obsession with appearance.

The need to perform extends into social status and success. Men are often measured by their professional achievements, wealth and influence. The pressure to impress leads to an unrelenting work ethic, sacrificing time with loved ones and personal fulfillment for prestige.

Albert Einstein once said, “Every man is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, it will spend the rest of its life believing it is stupid.” The constant pressure to perform leads to emotional numbing and disconnection, substance abuse and addiction, strained relationships and isolation, and a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and inadequacy.

The need to perform exacts a heavy toll on men’s mental and emotional health. Anxiety, depression, and suicide rates are alarming indicators of the crushing weight of expectations on them.

The belief that “men don’t cry” teaches boys to suppress their emotions instead of expressing them openly. This harmful stereotype perpetuates the idea that men must be tough and stoic, leading to a culture of toxic masculinity where boys and men are discouraged from showing vulnerability or weakness. As a result, men are often left to suffer in silence, struggling to cope with their emotions and mental health in isolation.

It’s time to challenge this outdated notion and create a place where men feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. We need to break down traditional masculinity and foster a healthier, more empathetic understanding of being a man.

The question, “What makes a man” is answered by the quality of his life. A man is defined not by how or where he was born but by what he makes of it, not how he started but how he decides to end.

Ultimately, love, decency, dignity, honesty, integrity, humility, respect, contentment, and gratitude are the values that help him withstand the pressures of performance, and they are best inculcated during his formative years.

Nothing matures a man like responsibilities. Nothing humbles him like missed opportunities. What makes him are his choices, and nothing changes him like love. Nothing defines a man like his character. Nothing teaches him like his experience. What drives him is his vision, and nothing weakens him like betrayal.

A man is pulled by his mission, pushed by his urge, devastated by heartbreak, and confident in his faith. He is elated by respect and guards nothing like his territory. What you don’t want to lose is his trust, and there is nothing he tells better than his story.

Nothing scares a man like losing his self-esteem; nothing pursues him like his passion; what interests him is his game, and nothing intoxicates him like his desires. Above all, nothing favours a man like finding a good woman. Forces govern the world, and the need to perform drives a man.

The need to perform is a complex, profoundly ingrained issue affecting men across the spectrum of life. By recognising the far-reaching implications of this pressure, we can work towards a more inclusive, compassionate understanding of masculinity, breaking free from the shackles of expectation and embracing a more authentic, vulnerable, and human experience.

Beyond Father’s Day and International Men’s Day celebrations, it’s time to redefine what it means to be a man. We can dismantle the need to perform by acknowledging and challenging societal expectations. Men can find freedom from the weight of expectation when they embrace vulnerability, empathy, and authenticity. Let’s celebrate diverse expressions of man and his masculinity, prioritise emotional intelligence and intimacy, redefine success and worth beyond material possessions and create spaces for them to share their struggles and fears.

Olaotan Fawehinmi can be reached via [email protected]