Letter #3 to Brides and Brides-To-Be

By Joy Ehonwa 02 June 2024   |   8:06 am

Photo Pexels Andres Ayrton.

In the journal I kept in my late teens and early twenties, I found one entry that caught my attention. My younger self had just started dating a great guy and had never been so happy. She wrote, “If he’s not ‘The One,’ then I don’t know what God is trying to do. He loves Julia Roberts and Sean Connery, sings to me, wants two daughters, sleeps with the music on, and says things to me like ‘I love you with all my heart and every ounce of my being’ and ‘I adore you, cherish you, and desire you so much it hurts.’”

Of course, I rolled my eyes and thought? That’s how we’re supposed to tell who ‘The One’ is? I did truly love him, and we’re still friendly to this day, but we found out during the relationship that we were incompatible. Even now, when it comes to what matters — our values, priorities, and definition of success and fulfilment — we don’t see eye to eye. And yet, he thrilled my heart, and what heart-warming memories we made!

The more I read my old journals and looked back at men I’ve loved before, the more I realised some important things. Love isn’t what the romance paperbacks say it is, and ‘The One’ isn’t who they made him out to be either. Real life is much different from the movies. ‘The One’ of the romance world is more that person who seems to just ‘get’ us, who knows what to say and what not to say, who instinctively knows what to do and how to please us.

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One wife says of a man she dated before she met her husband, “He and I used to finish each other’s sentences. Our conversations would last five hours at a time. I’ve never felt so alive or stimulated. But life wouldn’t have worked with him…he was not someone I could rely on.”

I’ve learned that when it comes down to it, that’s what finding ‘The One’ is really about: finding someone who is truly a partner in the journey of life — someone who will have your back come hell or high water, when things are great and when they’re not, from morning sickness and diapers to birthdays and graduations, before and after the stretch marks.

‘The One’ is committed to loving you and standing by you forever — committed being the operative word.

Many of us have been with people who seemed to understand us right away, old flames with whom we were more sexually compatible, lovers who loved us the way we always wanted to be loved. Sadly, divorce rates testify to the fact that love is not enough. Passion, attraction and an intense connection that transcends the mundane add great enjoyment to any marriage, but these things do not make a person ‘The One’. It is not enough to ‘hit it off right away’ and create delicious intimacy; intimacy must be sustained.

The heart is the most deceitful thing there is, and many times it misguides us. How many couples have married under the illusion of being ‘in love’ only to find out that they’ve made a grave mistake? And how many more have had the real deal right in front of them and decided that for some romance novel or dating literature-induced reason, this person couldn’t possibly be ‘The One’?

I’m not a relationship counsellor; I’m just a student of life who is sharing what I’ve learnt. Indeed, I would rather not give you a prescriptive list on “how to tell if he is the one”; the internet is already awash with those.

But I can tell you this: just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.

 Love,

Joy.

Author’s bio

Joy Ehonwa is an editor, proofreader, writer, and inspirational speaker who is happiest when she is supporting other women. Dear Elona, a collection of letters to brides and brides-to-be is available on Amazon and in MedPlus pharmacies nationwide.

Quote to highlight

“Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.”

• Brides

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