•Why couples cheat
By Christy Anyanwu
Recently, Mrs .B. Adindu, a fashion entrepreneur, was sizing up a new pair of jeans trousers, and with a charming smile said it was what she would wear to visit her boyfriend the following weekend.
Boyfriend? It seemed unreal because she was a married mother of four beautiful daughters with her hubby, a successful businessman, and from a good family background. She said: “Yes o, I have to enjoy my life because he is also having a field day with all those filthy girls who come daily to him at work.” (They share the same office building).
Mrs. Adindu is not alone. Cases like hers are common these days as many more women tend to have extra-marital affairs for reasons best known to them.
Another example of a married woman who is neck-deep in an extramarital affair is Iyabo. Iyabo lives in the United States with her husband of 30 years and their children, but twice every year she returns to Nigeria to reunite with her childhood boyfriend, who is also married to another woman. And they do not hide their relationship.
Extra-marital affairs are no longer a big deal, said Shade, a top executive based in Abuja. With paternity fraud on the rise, she opined that women have a lot of guts now and it is common to see them playing the field.
She said: “I think that the fear of God is what is lacking in today’s women. Those who do it for material things do it to increase their income because of the hard times in Nigeria. Most of these women are the ones fending for their families, especially those whose husbands are not financially strong.”
But she noted there were those who do it to get back at their husbands, because their husbands are promiscuous. Therefore, they want to do the same thing with any man they fancy.
She further said: “A friend whose husband is a top banker lives in Lagos Island. She drives a G-Wagon, even as a housewife, but drives down to Lagos Mainland to catch fun with her boyfriend, a younger man.
“For such a woman, there is no cash inducement but the fact that she needs attention. She wants to be cuddled and handled like a woman, which she misses at home because of her husband’s busy schedule at work and frequent travels. After spending three to four hours with her boyfriends, she drives back home to make meals for her hubby.”
Florence Madu, a psychologist, in her contribution, said: “Most of them are presumed to be married but a lot of husbands don’t have time for them. They have all the money, they have all they want but they don’t have time for their wives.
And these men, when they go out, they carry young girls who satisfy their cravings in bed and all that. What their wives cannot do for them, much younger girls do it for them, and the women at home now look for younger men to satisfy them because the men are sometimes older and not able to satisfy them. And, most times, they don’t just have time for them. So, these women go out to look for younger men to satisfy them.
“That’s why we have the Sugar Mummy thing.
“When you are married, as a woman, in some tribes, adultery is a taboo. A lot of disasters strike even to the point of death. Some people, their children begin to die mysteriously, even their husband will die just because she slept with someone else outside her home. It’s a taboo.”
In Nigeria, cheating has become common among couples and, a lot of times, women who are married go out with younger men for sexual gratification and procreation. This means that their husbands cannot perform in bed and some, out of ego, have refused to seek medical help. Some even allow their wives to go out and try other men. A lot of men are not ready to talk about it, even though some reports have stated that Nigeria is number one in the world in terms of paternity fraud and women engaging in extra-marital sex.
Madu said many of the youngsters servicing Sugar Mummies are gym instructors who now make it part of their job to lust after married women whose husbands are rich.
Relationship expert and life coach, Jerome Onipede, in an interview with The Sun newspaper, said: “Marriage actually means nothing to a lot of people right now. In those days, before you got married, you would think about it very well, you would attend a lot of premarital classes, where you were taught a lot of things. It is not so today, because the quality of the people living in the society has gone down. People don’t tell the truth anymore.
“We are only concerned about having our way. You want to get what you want at all cost and so truth is no longer a tool that is used to build relationships.
“This could pass for the husband and the wife as individuals but what triggers the mention of women is the alarming rate of extramarital affairs in today’s marriage to the extent that children born in these unions are innocently calling someone ‘Daddy’ who is not in any way their daddy.
“Let’s look at the various implications of extramarital relationships in marriages, homes and society. Broken trust: Extra-marital affairs often lead to broken trust, which can be challenging to rebuild. The consequences of broken trust may include divorce, which can have long-lasting effects on the mental and emotional well-being of all parties involved, particularly children. “
This trend is a cause of concern for many, including traditionalists, religious leaders and marriage counsellors.
Speaking on the alarming rate of extramarital affairs, leading to broken homes and shattered people, Bishop Kayode Fanilola, High Priest Ifayemi Elebuibon and marriage counsellor, Olumide Kayode-Omosebi, founder of the Gnopsis Help Initiative, shed more light on the issue.
Fanilola, founder and presiding bishop, Throne of Grace and Miracle Ministry Worldwide, Baltimore, Maryland, U.S., said: “It is not acceptable for a married woman to have an extra-marital affair. Even if someone is not a Christian, it is still not acceptable. Even among traditional worshippers. They may have more than one wife but for someone that is already married to go and have extramarital sex, it’s still not acceptable.
“Do you know why I said it is not acceptable even in the traditional settings? Do you know what Yoruba people call Magun? In English parlance, it is called ‘Thunderbolt’. When you go and sleep with another man’s wife or husband, you will somersault three times and you will die.
“Why those things existed in the first place is to serve as a deterrence to people that engage in extramarital affairs. His manhood is glued into it and they cannot be separated. That is not as a result of wickedness but it serves as deterrence. Even the traditional people are not allowed, much more a Christian, where the Bible commands one man, one wife. I am talking about New Testament Christianity. It is not allowed.
“I think, why it is rampant these days is, first, there is poverty. For example, a man that is supposed to be the breadwinner to provide for the house, if, suddenly, maybe he loses his job and is not able to provide food for the house, the wife, maybe they have children already, would not want to go out of the marriage but sometimes will go out and be messing around looking for money to make provision for the family. There are categories of women like that.
“There are also women who, even though they may be married to a very rich man, sometimes a very rich man is a man of several commitments, business trips, meetings, some men, money is not their problem but they don’t have time for their wife. Even though they give a lot of money to the woman, money cannot replace the man. Such women, some of them go and have extramarital affairs. Some will have affairs with their stewards, drivers and gardeners. Some go out to do it with other people that don’t have money.
“Another category, it’s not that their husband cannot satisfy them with money or everything but it is just in their DNA not to be sexually satisfied. There are some women, no matter how hard their husband tries to satisfy them sexually, the way their body is wired, they don’t get satisfied with one, two or three rounds of sex. So, they will go out to have sex.
“Then there is the lawlessness, the moral decadence in the society today. People don’t have the fear of God anymore. All those are the things that have contributed to the way and manner that there is so much infidelity in marriage these days.”
To add to the controversy, Fanilola said some clerics are involved in the vice. He said: “Some pastors, men of God, are not free from these also. Have you not heard of men of God sleeping with choir members or women in the church or their secretary? It’s all over the place. it is in the church, in the offices, corporate world and mosque. The fear of God is not there anymore.
“It is not only in Nigeria. It is everywhere. It’s only people that have the fear of God that don’t do it.
“Remember what happened to Joseph in the house of Potiphar, when the wife of Potiphar wanted to seduce him. Joseph said, ‘how can I do this to my God?’ He said, ‘everything in this house my master has put under my care, it is only the woman that is not under my care.’ He said, ‘how can I do this to my God?’
“How I wish people could have this same kind of spirit today. There are some men that it is their erection that dictates their direction. Joseph had a divine direction. It was his election that dictated his direction, not his erection.
“Let me say also, don’t let me tag everything as modern-day stuff. This type of thing has been going on even in the dark ages. The reason we think it is common now is social media, many things happening now are reported on social media.
“Many things are no longer sacred or secret. Some people, maybe their husband is sick, could go and satisfy themselves outside. At any rate, it is not accepted, it is not biblical. It is against Christian ethics, it is against moral ethics.
“The way our ladies dress, sometimes they dress seductively, even some married women. I see them in Nigeria. The way they dress, three-quarter of their breast is out there, the only part that is covered are the nipples. So, if a woman is dressing like that, a man that doesn’t have divine control, if it is a man that has a lot of money, he will use his money to seduce such women.
“For a woman looking for a job, usually women that get jobs easier than men, when she finally gets the job, the boss is eyeing them using many tactics to lure them, to seduce them, in order to sleep with them. If she’s not cooperating, she might be fired.”
Elebuibon, Araba of Osogboland, a traditionalist, offered his perspective, saying: “The trend can be linked to the changing role of women in society. It’s on the increase, maybe because of financial crises. For a lot of women, when they don’t get satisfaction financially from their spouse, it may be responsible for looking outside.”There are some women who, despite the hardship they encounter in their house, won’t go outside their marital house, but that is a rare case nowadays not to have extra-marital relationships.
“When a woman starts having affairs outside her marital house, it may cause arrested progress for her husband. It may be responsible for blockage in all his endeavours and she may contract a disease. In a nutshell, it is not encouraged in traditional belief to do such things.
“In the past, Ifa used to expose a woman who was married to an Ifa priest, when she indulged in such an act. Ifa would keep warning a woman to desist from the action, if she doesn’t stop she may face consequences. Sometimes, she may face prolonged sickness, it may be responsible for childlessness. Usually, a babalawo knows that she must not do that because she knows that she must be punished. She will have to beg Ifa, make atonement and confess. She needs to confess and ask for forgiveness.
“Let me tell you there are some compounds in Yorubaland, during traditional wedding ceremonies, they make a woman take an oath that she must not cheat on her husband and she must not do bad medicine against her co-wives. That was part of traditional rites in a wedding ceremony back then.
“It is modernization, Christianization and Islamization that have made such things to be banished and now women are free. That’s why we see it escalate in the communities today.
In the past, these things were not rampant.”
Omosebi, a lawyer, speaking on why extramarital affairs were on the increase by married women, listed some factors behind the trend.
“The problem is probably for two or three different reasons. First of all, about four years ago, Nigerwia had the highest rate of paternity fraud, with the firstborn of the children after a DNA test proving not to be the husband’s child. Paternity fraud rate was almost 76 percent, the highest in the world at one point.
“Two, data shows a lot of infidelity. A lot of factors that make people get married, especially religious and traditional factors. A lot of people got married because they got pregnant.
“Without the pregnancy, if you were to ask them, would you have married this man? They would say, no. But its pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy.
“So, they married someone they didn’t truly love. After marriage, they meet someone or their ex that they are truly in love with. A lot of women are in abusive marriages, where it is easy for them to find someone who would treat them better.
“The third one is financial reasons. Some people are in extra-marital affairs because of money. A lot of people discover themselves after marriage. After marriage, they find out that if they had known what they know now, this is not the man they would have married; they are just there because of the children and because of religion. In their own little way, there’s a man they love and there’s a man they are with.”
When asked if there was a way adultery could be curbed, the legal practitioner said people should go back to the basics.
“How life should be, tradition, religion, if we put them out, if you don’t feel the same people should be allowed to leave, it’s a loveless relationship when you are there just because of the children and if you don’t feel the same, there’s no need sitting there for sitting sake.”
“I have several cases, probably they have lasted like three or four years. In fact, there’s one who is an elder in church and has not had sex in seven years and the man cried out to me that he has to leave before he does something silly.
“The woman kept saying, we have had all our children. What do you need sex for? We hear a lot of stuff at the counselling table.
“There was one marriage that ended the same day. It was just three hours, from one popular church. After the reception, the marriage was over. The way relationships are handled here, some churches have marriage committees. The way some churches conduct these counselling makes people marry strangers.
“You can’t visit her and she can’t visit you. In church, they can’t sit together. If you are going to see her, someone would accompany you so that you don’t really know each other and you find out later that you are so incompatible,”said Omosebi.
