When we lie to ourselves
Chukwuneta Oby
Most divorced women and widows know that the major realisation that will hit you once you are ‘free’ is the temptation to conclude that men are the same because of the disappointing characters that the streets will greet you with.
A lot of them are characters that your ex or deceased spouse is far better than.
An interesting social media post that I came across sometime back reads, ‘“I am yet to see any Nigerian woman that filed for divorce and regretted such actions.’’
The truth remains that the pride in many people in this environment will never let them admit to regret openly.
Even if regret isn’t what they feel, let’s say there are realisations. Especially, the realisation that who you have left is not the worst man out there.
Regrets will surely come if whatever reasons you left a marriage for is something that could be worked on, forgiven or even tolerated.
I admit that there are marriages where your redemption and healing can only happen when you quit them.
However, the mistake of most women who are quick to press the exit button is their expectations out there.
If a marriage has become more of a misery for you, I will not advise you to tarry there but if you are leaving, make sure you are leaving to rebuild your life.
Otherwise, there are no waiting ‘Romeos’ out there! It’s a jungle out there and it’s especially tougher for women who are coming from a previous marriage.
Some experiences may even leave you wondering if what you left behind isn’t better.
A lady told me that the only thing she could blame for her divorce was her immaturity and hot temper because there was no vice that her first husband had that the second one did not have and even more.
The second one even sexually descends on her sleeping relations and domestic help every night. But the first one was not like that, except that he was having an affair with one “thick madam,’’ who was so obsessed with him that their cover was blown.
This is not to say that many women have not been lucky in their second marital journey. Many of them have their marital bread divinely buttered in their second attempt.
Yes, have faith. But also build a better relationship with yourself. It’s the only way to recognise unsuitable choices from afar. Every man must not have access to you before you know they are not right for you.
Another lady who shared her experience with me said that her first marriage ended because she began from day one to shoulder all the financial responsibilities.
Eventually, she became overwhelmed, left him and married an older rich man. Money is no longer the problem but connection is missing in the marriage.
It’s just that when the head is full, the last thing we listen to is the conscience.
Sometimes, the marriage you are rushing out of, you are better off working on.
I shared the video of an actress and her husband on social media and many people agreed that she seems to have it all. But it is an open secret that she brings in the bread.
One truth that we are not telling ourselves enough is that if you quit a marriage that you should have put in some effort to make it work, you will spend a huge part of your life running in circles.
Just as a lack of money can easily crumble a marriage, the same money, when you finally have it, ceases to be a motivation at some point in marriage and if the parties are not intentional about other aspects of their lives, the centre will begin to cave in.
So many wives of rich men are keeping fine boyfriends for the sake of feeling romance. Such is the wandering nature of a woman’s mind.
Women don’t really do well with men who are not evolving.
Making money is not the only way that a man grows or gets better. Are you emotionally and physically available in the relationship? What efforts do you make towards your health and appearance?
Don’t think that your efforts at personal growth start and end with money making. It involves much more!
Do you enlighten your mind? You must evolve or risk whatever your not-growing self throws up in your marriage.
Our world is full of women who are not enjoying their marriage. And a lot of that has to do with husbands who do not realise that a man should keep improving himself.
What you need is not looking for love all over the place. Go within. Do some weeding. Your aura will begin to shine through and the right minds will come your way.
