Submission as a word has been in the spotlight recently. It’s the go-to word when men want to describe the qualities of a good wife. A ready-made example for them is the women of older generations: Our mothers. This topic is a leading cause of gender wars and failed relationships.

While men believe that submission is the solution, women do not seem to comprehend it. This lack of understanding on the part of women is not intentional, after all, they were raised by the same mothers; the epitomes of submission. So what has changed?

Independence
The women of before and now are not so different because my knowledge has always been transferred across generations. The issue is tied to social evolution. In times past, a woman graduated from one caretaker to another, from her father’s care into her husband’s arms. There was no need for her to provide. She had other obligations like bearing and nurturing children, managing the home and pleasing her husband. Aside from financial dependence, women weren’t tasked with making big decisions for their lives, their fathers and husbands rarely involved them to start with.

Since tertiary education became a minimum requirement of literacy, the timeline for marriage has taken a back seat for men and women alike. Women now experience some years of freedom between their fathers’ house and their husbands’ house. Independence begins in higher institutions of learning when lecturers communicate directly with students and hold them accountable for their decisions. A lot of mental and psychological development goes on within the four walls of the university.

The decision to attend lectures and study might seem basic but it is deeper than that. Students see the real-time consequences of their actions or inactions; this is independence. Upon graduation, financial independence then sets in, women now go out to hunt (make use of their degrees) until marriage happens. Notice how the subject of submission only comes up once she says I do.

A simple analogy would be comparing a child who has never held the compass of his life with one who has navigated his course for a little while. The latter will demand to be carried along in the decision-making while the former will have little to no interest in the topic. Hope this gives insight into why submission is a struggle for today’s women.

The Way Forward
A simple solution would be to ask women to stop working and if possible, stop gaining higher education. On the contrary, men have come to appreciate the financial contributions from their wives so much that men no longer want to marry a woman who does not have a means of livelihood.

Notes To Women
Your struggle with submission is a natural response to social evolution. You have made decisions for your life and no one should to stop having a say just because you’re now a wife. Choose a partner who listens to you and values your input: Someone who chooses the best idea over his idea, someone who lets you in the room where decisions are being made. Above all, choose someone you trust to lead you that way submission will be easier.

Notes to Men
Have some empathy. A woman asking to be carried along doesn’t make her a ‘bad’ wife. Recall that the leadership is service and not dictatorship. Make your partner feel heard and valued. Afterall, you made the choice